Schadenfreude ist die schönste Freude denn sie kommt von Herzen - Pleasure from another's misfortune is the best pleasure since it comes from the heart.
Ahh, bless.
Anyway, here's one story:
Jin's brief but funny altercation with the cops
It was 3am one morning when Jin (whom some of you may remember as the Leng Chai Who Puked Black Shit Onto The Nice Saujana Hyatt Bed from the Leng Chai Gang's first ever Bukkake party. ) received a call from a female friend who wanted to run away from home because her parents were too strict and whupped her ass regularly. Or something like that.
Russell Peters moment: "Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
I digress. So anyway, Jin drives a manual transmission sporty old-model BMW, and he parked it a distance away from said girl's house, so her parents wouldn't hear the engine rumble of that bitchin car.He walks towards her house. He notices two Malay dudes standing under a tree, dressed like good ol regular joes, having a fag. What do you do at a time like that, in a generally nice suburb but which has slowly been infiltrated with all sorts of societal scum?
What would you do? Walk away from them, of course.
One of the faggers suddenly booms, "Hey, stop!"
Getting creepy. What would you do? Start running in the opposite direction, of course.
The other dude suddenly WHIPS OUT A MOTHERFUCKING GUN and yells, "POLICE! STOP OR I'LL SHOOT!"
Holy bleeding Nora, you're in deep shit. What would you do?
RUN AND JUMP LIKE A FUCKING ENERGIZER BUNNY ON ECSTASY.
After all, anybody could claim to be a cop. And according to our hero, he'd watched enough cop movies to know that all good cops aim for the perp's legs during a chase, hence the hops. Don't ask me why the contrasting perceptions of the two dudes, he was probably scared shitless and couldn't think straight.
So the cops gave chase, and Jin, like the cunning lupine football forward he used to be made a sudden turn into an alley and tried to climb the fences of the surrounding houses. Alas, "fucking SS18 houses all, fences all so fucking tall."
Fortunately, he managed to give them the slip.
By hiding behind some bushes.
He watched as the headlights of the cop-car shone past his hiding place and moved past it, ahead to the end of the street. Breathing a sigh of relief, he got up and brushed the dirt off his jeans.
Only for the copcar to turn back, paralyzing our poor protagonist in its headlights.
He had to surrender his ID, and probably because he has a babyface, they didn't believe that the BMW was his and made him drive down the street and turn back.
Not satisfied with that, they went to the runaway girl's house and asked her, "Do you know this guy?"
The terrified girl replied, "NO!"
I don't know what happened after that, but since he's back home now, he probably paid them off with sexual favours or something. Ok ok sorry for the anticlimax, but this next story's even better.
W's big mouth
This is a classic. There are four characters in this story, Daryl, an unnamed friend, Sean, and our heroine W. For reasons that will soon be obvious, I have chosen not to explicitly reveal her identity here.
The four of them were on their way home from a night our clubbing in KL, and Daryl was driving. The friend was in the passenger seat, and Sean and W (who were a couple at the time) were in the backseat. Daryl has a habit of frequently glancing into his rearview mirror, probably to look out for cops because he drives like a motherfucker on speed.
That's not to say that frequently checking your rear is a bad thing, you should always check your rear for piles/pile-ups.
Haha ok pun over, back to the story. So Daryl glanced at his mirror and noticed that he could see Sean's head...but not W's.
At the same time, there were noises coming from the backseat that sounded like a very thirsty kid trying to swallow a fast-melting popsicle.
Daryl risked a glance back.
Oh yeah.
He quickly typed out a message on his mobile and passed it on to the friend in the next seat: SHES GIVING HIM A FUCKING BJ
The friend also risked a glance back.
Oh yeah.
The noises were getting to Daryl, so he cleared his throat audibly, and said, "Uhhhh, you guys, don't mess up my carseat ok..."
W's reply (muffled through a mouthful of cock, I imagine) is now legendary, its bluntness and succinctness giving immortality to a story that will doubtless be passed down the generations over many a beer and laugh.
"DON'T WORRY, MY MOUTH IS DAMNED BIG."
