I had just got home from the missus', and having gotten some I was feeling rather fagged and fashed and bashed, but it was a good day nevertheless. Nice and cool, a nice day to get some. Everyone was in on it, and as we shall soon see, even the bugs.
It was nearing dinnertime and the rice needed cooking. I dutifully scooped a couple of cupfuls of rice grain into the rice cooker and was about to flush the pot with water, when I noticed out of the corner of my double-eyelidless eye:
TWO FUCKING GRAIN WEEVILS.
I mean, literally.
I have a problem with grain weevils periodically infesting my rice bin, multiplying out of nowhere to lay the eggs of their spawn into my innocent and rather costly Birds of Paradise rice grains, where the wee buggers would hatch and eat away the yummy carbs of the grain from the inside out. When they were done hollowing the grain, they'd finally be of full adult size and break through the shell, where they would find another mate to fuck with and repeat the entire process all over again.
It's a rather sad existence actually. I mean, their only purpose in life is to reproduce to prolong the existence of their species. Besides, of course, antagonizing us poor rice eaters who have to worry over the unwanted presence of a baby weevil in a grain of rice, unhatched, and then cooked. Extra protein, says mom.
So anyway, I caught an amorous pair going at it like rabbits atop a singly grain of rice. It really was a fascinating sight, and I hurriedly picked the grain out and headed for my camera. Alas, before I could reach it, the male had already done the deed, and being rather fagged and fashed and bashed himself, he climbed off rather undignified and the two then hobbled away from each other unceremoniously.
Lucky bugs. Hump and dump.
In my disappointment at not having caught such a rare and exquisite sight on film, I have thus decided to astound you all with the wonders of my artistic talent, applied so expertly to a rather vivid and graphic depiction of the fucking bugs. Pardon the pun. Look at this and weep.
I wanted to be a cartoonist when I was a kid.
On another note, I somehow managed to completely muff up the simple task of cooking rice. I washed the rice. I filled the pot with the appropriate amount of water. I replaced the pot into the cooker. I turned on the main switch. I pressed "Cook".
BUT WHY OH WHY DID I FORGET TO REPLACE THE COVER?!?!
It took a reminder from my mom to turn off the main switch, AFTER the rice had already been cooked, that I noticed my astronomical blunder. The rice had taken on an unpleasant tone of yellow, it was dry as sand, and when chewed, or rather, crunched, gave you the tremendously exciting sensation of eating weevil-flavoured cornflakes.
I have henceforth decided that I shall no longer have anything to do with the kitchen. So Suet, faster brush up on your cooking skills and fetch me a beer.
Oh I'm kidding, I love you babe.
Now fetch me my beer, dammit.
