First, a little backstory. Pseudonyms are used in place of names to save a certain someone from potential crippling embarassment that might make her appear even more undesirable than she thinks she is.

Once upon a time, there was the Word, and the word said that Barry is awesomely handsome and charming and has many many friends. One of them was Papa Smurf. Another who wasn't one of them was Skeletor. N liked this junior girl, Mary Poppins, and made many many advances towards her, all of which were unceremoniously rejected. As a handsome and charming friend, I naturally enquired as to the identity of said girl. I eventually noticed her one day, and noted to self, "Hmm, Papa Smurf be right, dis ho be rather smokin."

So I told Papa Smurf, "Yo, Papa Smurf, why be thine hide blue? And by the way, I saw your chickedy already. She be cute."

At which point, Papa Smurf blew up, and angrily told me to fuck myself and to stay away from her. I assumed he was joking, so I laughed it off. He didn't take the whole thing too well; he must've assumed I had my devastating sights on her. I'll have to clarify here that I do not recall having spoken more than a sentence to her, nor asked her out, our asked for her number.

So off he went to tell on me to Skeletor, with whom I had a long-running enmity stemming from several misunderstandings and punch-ups. Skeletor saw it as an opportunity to pick a fight with me. He cornered me in the school bathroom and informed me that I had made a grave mistake in going after Papa Smurf's girl and telling Papa Smurf's parents to fuck themselves. We slugged it out. He and Papa Smurf refused to speak to me (in a manner which did not involve the words fuck, cibai, fucker, motherfucker, asshole, etc.) after that, until after Form 5.

Recently, my darling midget sister sent me a chat log of Mary Poppins and a friend, regarding her views on the whole incident.

The poor woman seems rather delusional (Mary Poppins, not darling midget sister).


[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
yea her bro, barry

Mary Poppins says:
he's one year my senior

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
he graduated from Alevels taylor's last sem.last semester he was still in taylors

Mary Poppins says:
u know him well. do u know Papa Smurf then
Mary Poppins says:
i kinda miss barry

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
hahaha nope, dont relli know him

Mary Poppins says:
wish i could have said sorry to him

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
hoh??
[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
wat happened?

Mary Poppins says:
erm...long story. embarassing as well

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
as in barry? or papa smurf?

Mary Poppins says:
barry
Mary Poppins says:
& papa smurf

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
hmmm...how embarrassing can it get?

Mary Poppins says:
*sigh*
MAry Poppins says:
dun la. i kinda regretted it. wished it never happened
Mary Poppins says:
to make a long story short, both of them were after me & coincidentally these two boys juz had to be enemies in school

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
they were enemies? gosh

Mary Poppins says:
so yea. "perfect"

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
ohhhh. so i din know that barry was after u
[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
hohoho. when was this ler?

Mary Poppins says:
when i was in form 3
Mary Poppins says:
it was damn sad. i made a promise to my dad that until i finished high school or when i'm 18 i won't get a boyfriend
Mary Poppins says:
so throughout my life whenever a guy was into me & i was into him

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
and u actually wanted to keep that promise

MAry Poppins says:
if he asks for it, i would always have to say no
Mary Poppins says:
& this breaks my heart like seriously

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
this sucks

MAry Poppins says:
i kinda agreed what he saidit makes sense. i prefer forging friendships bcos they tend to last forever
MAry Poppins says:
way longer than a boy-girl relationship

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
so which means that time, barry didnt actually asked u?

MAry Poppins says:
barry never asked me

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
but u knew that he liked u?

Mary Poppins says:
bcos he heard that i rejected papa smurf
MAry Poppins says:
but still, i felt really bad bcos since they were enmeies

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
wth...u rejected papa smurf, that measn it's a good thing for barry la

MAry Poppins says:
still

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
but still he didnt ask u la

Mary Poppins says:
since both of them were enemies & after the same girl, papa smurf called his gang & "did" barry in the guys wash room
Mary Poppins says:
i dunno why but i knew i cried like crazy when i heard about it

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
"did"...hoh? u mean beat him up?

Mary Poppins says:
er yea

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
gosh...y so hardcore wan...ought to be smacked on the head

MAry Poppins says:
they were both nice guys

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
but u still rejected them

MAry Poppins says:
so i thank my father that he restricted me from coupling or else i would have a hard time
Mary Poppins says:
but if he did not restricted me, i dun think i would even accept. i like being juz friends

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
y not??

Mary Poppins says:
itz bcos i like them too much, i'd never wanna lose their friendship
MAry Poppins says:
even when papa smurf sent a BIG bouquet of roses to my house during Valentine's Day

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
=.=
woah...and u still had to reject him

Mary Poppins says:
i still stand firmly
Mary Poppins says:
it turned out that he wasn't a really loyal one
Mary Poppins says:
i mean, after he sent that bouquet

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
which means...he was goin after a few at the same time?

Mary Poppins says:
& he found out that i still won't accept him, in a few weeks time, he gave up
Mary Poppins says:
that really sucked
Mary Poppins says:
if he kept goin

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
hoho..that's reality...
[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
not all guys are persistent enuff in courtship

Mary Poppins says:
i think my wall of defence would eventually crumble
Mary Poppins says:
regardless of my promise to my dad

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
=.=
[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
LOL

MAry Poppins says:
if a guy was really good & loyal & persistent, it shows that he is strong & determined & he really loves me
Mary Poppins says:
then maybe i would have given in

[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
woah..u used the L word
[AMANJIAO] -Ay4n4m|- the aoi bara says:
haha

Mary Poppins says:
but NOOOOOOO
MAry Poppins says:
of all the guys that have been after me, only a few managed to wait tilli was 18
Mary Poppins says:
i always tell them
Mary Poppins says:
"Boy if u want me u have to wait till i'm 18. i'm sorry."


GAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMFG THAT REALLY WAS SOME FUNNY SHIT! I lost count of the number of times I had to do the *swt* emoticon. She seemed a nice enough sort back then, and she clearly is still a sweet kid. Alas, with several vital cogs loose in the engine room. Suet, you should be happy at this. Lousy competitors.

Kudos to the other guy, Leroy, for his unwavering sarcasm which Mary Poppins failed to pick up on.

So you think church is the closest you could ever get to the big man in this lifetime?





JESUS SIGNED MY BIBLE!!!

CJ threw a booze party last night, mere hours after his parents had just left for Bangkok. What a lovely sod, I mean son.

I had planned to just turn up for a bit, drink for a bit, then go home cos I don't know the people he was inviting. His regular clubmates, I reckon. I brought along a little 350ml bottle of my Svicide Juice, intended for personal consumption, and a glass. While those animals threw back wanton shot after shot of crude oil in reckless abandon, I would be sitting refined in a corner, indulging in alcoholic alchemy with a spoon, a lighter, and some sugar. Whiskey? Bah, so beneath me. I vicariously rub shoulders with the likes of van Gogh and Wilde!

I arrived at 12 to a party that was supposed to start at 10. Holy Feces of Jesus, what a sausage-fest. There were only TWO pairs of X chromosomes in the room. The sticks and balls had their eyes transfixed upon the screen on the television set, which was playing the Chelsea match. Audrey, CJ's very nice girlfriend, asked me what was contained within the little bottle I was carrying. I told her it was absinthe. She had no clue. But an eavesdropper did.

"Holy shit, is that the stuff they drank in Eurotrip??"

"Uh...(trying to recall which piece of shit movie was Eurotrip)..yeah."

"Hi, I'm (insert forgettable name)."

"Barry."

"Do you think I could try some of that later?"

It went on like that with the others for the next 15 minutes or so. A stranger would walk up to me, shake my hand, introduce themselves, and when they got my name, would exclaim, "Dude, you're the guy with the absinthe right?" They would then proceed to unabashedly ask if they could try it later, and I'd slap on a genial smile and say, "Yeah, sure."

Bastards, that's my private stash!

After the 492nd person had asked me about my absinthe, I devised a plan to give them exactly what they wanted, and at the same time afford me some Schadenfreude-ish brand of entertainment. Millions of American Pie-ish pranks pinged through my skull, including peeing in one of the mixer-bottles while they were out smoking weed in the porch. That would've been a blimming success, had some shit flap not yell out after me as I made my way towards the bathroom, "BARRY, WHERE'S THE 7-UP BOTTLE?"

Then the neanderthal who'd been most eager to try the absithe suddenly turned up and asked me to hit him with a shot. The large bottle of 7-Up would've delivered a pretty good shot actually. Right to his skull. I hid the bottle behind my back, and said, "Yeah let's go."

In the living room, about two or three of them were already out with a combination of Johnnie Walker and bad weed. I laid my eyes on this pink-faced cherub who'd passed out on the couch with a permanent furrow etched into his brow, and marked him out as my new target. I pulled out a straw and tried to figure out a way to siphon the absinthe from the bottle into his nostril, but was interrupted by Over-eager Dude. Sigh, give them a show, if that's what they want aye? I never like to disappoint.

CJ didn't have white sugar in the house, so I had to do with brown. As I lit the alcohol-soaked sugar in a spoon over the glass, more intoxicated and weed-high guines pigs fell into a circle around me. I felt like the ringmaster of a circus. Some guy said, "This reminds me of my chemistry classes," and someone else took a photo of the pleasant blue flame. I mixed it with water first, which happened to be my only shot of the night. I had plans for the others, dammit! I fed the remainder in the glass to the others, and they liked it. They craved more. Over-eager Dude was yelling for another shot.

Right, you bastards, let's go.

I made the next few shots without water, then without also sugar. They threw it back.

Heh, talk about an accelerated demise. Absinthe owns.

By the end of the night, FIVE had passed out in the middle of the room. One guy was throwing up specks of blood into the toilet bowl. His last words as I left him, barely suppressing a giggle, was "Dude, absinthe is a bitch."

Right dude, rock hard the proper way before you leave for Imperial College. Where boredom goes to die.

However, there was still one more thing to take care of. The earlier cherub was still passed out on the couch. Apparently, he can't even take sambal with his nasi lemak. And he hadn't even touched a drop of absinthe! Bastard, spoil my fun, will you? I'll teach you!

I asked CJ for a condom, and he ordered Audrey to fetch him one. His exact words were, "Audrey, you should know where they are, right?"

I retrieved a tube of toothpaste from the bathroom, and proceeded to carefully unwrap the very well-lubricated love glove. I unrolled it, stuck the tube of toothpaste into it, and squeezed. A sizable dollop of thick white toothpaste oozed into its new receptacle, looking not very unlike the real thing. CJ took it from me and swung it in a circle above his head so the toothpaste would move to the end of the tube. When we were done, it did indeed look like someone had done the nasty with that condom on.

We crept up quietly towards our comatose victim and slapped his face a couple of times to make sure he was well and truly down for the count. We then draped the condom across his forehead.

A camera was quickly produced, and a very memorable Kodak moment was captured.

I don't have the photo with me now, because I don't personally know the owner of said camera. However, the end result looked something like this, if you need a pictorial spark plug to kickstart your imagination.



My job done, and with another party having been embraced in the warm hug of the Green Fairy, I left at 4 am.

That must've been the turning point of that poor dude's life.

I like to think that I've genuinely made a difference in the lives of others, even if that difference is depression, another ten years of perserved virginity, and a lifetime of corrective psychiatric sessions.

You're a twit if you believe the above title. Look where you are. You want serious shit like that, go visit Jeff Ooi's blog. Personally, I've never been.

What you're getting here is a ridiculous conversation between two fully-grown adolescents clinging to their last vestiges of childhood, reliving the days of yore when "Kung Fu Master" comics were cool and David Carradine was the biggest bad ass on screen. Campy 70's Kung Pow shit, where white men wore samfus and spouted philosophical lines about the yin and yang of the hero and bad man, and why we should love our parents more than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in that Bruce Lee flick.

Where honour holds more weightage than a fortune cookie.

Bear in mind that neither of us were even born yet in the 70's.


*********************************
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
cibai
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
you think very fun ar to remember

A Barry Is Forever. says:
haha not fun, but funny

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
shut up china boy
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
hahahahaha

A Barry Is Forever. says:
chong shang shi hua liu wegiwuebvjewbvle

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
wtf
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
ni guan sei

A Barry Is Forever. says:
brb i gotta go work my paddy field
A Barry Is Forever. says:
harvest month coming soon
A Barry Is Forever. says:
long live mao tse tung

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
i like my rice to be fat
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
HAHAHAHA
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
yes yes agreed
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
mao mao mao

A Barry Is Forever. says:
mighty maos

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
lets join his army, kick some US ass
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
YAAaaaaaaaaaaaa

A Barry Is Forever. says:
........
A Barry Is Forever. says:
you go lah, i gotta go harvest my paddy
A Barry Is Forever. says:
have to feed my pregnant wife

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
your paddy will be taken care of by the wind god

A Barry Is Forever. says:
hope she has a son this time. if not, i'll have to throw the daughter into the river again

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
come follow me and you will be rewarded hugely
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
nono
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
got daugther give me
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
i will provide her with a good life

A Barry Is Forever. says:
having a daughter would be a disgrace to my family's honour!

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
your disgrace is my honour
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
my pridEEE!!!!!!

A Barry Is Forever. says:
.........ok lah take the fucking baby

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
wahahah
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
now i can sell her as a hookerr

A Barry Is Forever. says:
give me something in return lah
A Barry Is Forever. says:
like a new wheel barrow

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
sstupid china boy
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
dono how to make money
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
eh
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
no lah lah in china ok

A Barry Is Forever. says:
gimme a new wheelbarrow, i'll give you my daughter

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
no!!!! (kicks china boy into mud)

A Barry Is Forever. says:
just a wheelbarrow!!

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
get out of my face
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
you foolish china boy
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
look at you
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
wahahaha
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
you think i'm scared of you?
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
a person who cant afford a good haircut

A Barry Is Forever. says:
don't play with me man

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
(Kick again)

A Barry Is Forever. says:
in that lousy haircut i can keep all my fortune cookies

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
(china boy falls in mud)
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
hahahaha

A Barry Is Forever. says:
i'll throw my Fatal fortune Cookies of Fury at you

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
aiyakk!!
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
what is this?
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
(opens fortune cookie)
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
confucius says: you go to jail, rich boy!
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
WAHAHAHAHAHa
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
is this supposed to scare me?

A Barry Is Forever. says:
i see my cookies have no effect on you, dastardly eater of animal shit
A Barry Is Forever. says:
be prepared to face my ultimate wrath

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
WAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
burrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRrr
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
(shaking with arms wrapped round body)

A Barry Is Forever. says:
my Kungfu Chop Suey Bak Kut Teh Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique that i learnt from the greatest sifu in the world!!!!!!!!!
A Barry Is Forever. says:
HAAAAIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAA

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
aiyak!!!!!
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
*collapses*
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
this is not the end, diu!

A Barry Is Forever. says:
now you die at my hands, evil sucker of pimpled horse penises
A Barry Is Forever. says:
i have successfully avenged my great great grandfather. his honour is now restored
A Barry Is Forever. says:
he has not died in vain, thanks to what i have done to you today
A Barry Is Forever. says:
although i swore a long time ago never to use my Kungfu Chop Suey Bak Kut Teh Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique again, but i had to break that vow to rid the world of you

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle... says:
(grandpa's voice from a distance)...you done well, son

A Barry Is Forever. says:
yes, Grandpa Liu Kang
A Barry Is Forever. says:
you truly were the greatest sifu ever, who taught me the Kungfu Chop Suey Bak Kut Teh Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique
A Barry Is Forever. says:
*dramatic music plays, when the audience discovers that the chinaboy's sifu is in fact his great great grandfather!!!!*

Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle...kungfu chop suey bak kut teh five point palm exploding heart tec says:
meanwhile in the city, there's a secret clan gathering
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle...kungfu chop suey bak kut teh five point palm exploding heart tec says:
diu this china boy!
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle...kungfu chop suey bak kut teh five point palm exploding heart tec says:
we must seek revenge!!!!
Makutamesan.....the 3 " TH's", To Hot, To Hard To Handle...kungfu chop suey bak kut teh five point palm exploding heart tec says:
for the Moi family!!!!!!!

A Barry Is Forever. says:
wtf, got sequel ah??

I hereby acknowledge the importance of a certain MS LIEW SUET LI to my blog and I, and have thus decided to promote the excellence and terrificness of her glorious name in a single, dedicated post.

Love, you sloth.

Johan returned a few days ago from Russia, land of the drunks, with a bottle of fine Czech absinthe for me, I guess as a token of appreciation for fetching him from the airport. The Czech Republic is one of the few places on Earth where it is still legal to produce and sell genuine absinthe.


The green Faerie came packaged in a beautiful green box, along with an absinthe glass and sugar spoon. The crappy handphone is there for size comparisons. Appy polly logies for the use of the flash here.


The back of the box is adorned with a picture of a painting of some dude enjoying his favourite tipple. I think it's a Gauguin, but I'm not sure. Any art fags care to enlighten me here? The words below are in Russian, detailing the history of absinthe, and instructions on the ritual.


The 500ml bottle of Devil piss and 70% alcohol content. The liquid is a clear emerald green, and appears slightly more viscous than water. It is sealed with a regular cork and wax. I love the font on the word Absinth here! So Mobscene-ish.


The absinthe glass with a false reservoir. A little disappointing here. It has the same design present on the bottle. That's dad's hand in the background.


The sugar spoon, made of stainless steel and perforated with the word ABSINTH. Shaped much like a miniature spade, with a cleft on the handle so it can fit nice and snug on the mouth of the glass. This thing is the coolest shit ever.


What you need to prepare a glass of absinthe. One bottle of water, cutesy label is optional. One cup of ice to chill the water, again, cutesy cup is optional. Some sugar, choice of receptacle is subjective. The t-shirt is there to take care of any messy spills that might occur along the course of the ritual.


Once the seal is broken, it is always advisable to take a good whiff of the strong, minty alcohol fumes emanating from the cork. I am also aware that I am in need of both a haircut and a good physical workout. The former has been accomplished, though, sadly, the latter has not. You can clearly see the knee of my photographer, the lovely Ms Suet, at the bottom of the photo.


Place the sugar on the spoon. Sugar cubes are preferable, but in the case where there is an absence of those, regular table sugar may be used as a substitute. Here, I regretfully used rock sugar cubes, which don't absorb the absinthe particularly well.


Carefully pour the aqua mortis over the sugar and into the glass. The sugar should be soaked. Even with careful handling, the mouth of the bottle doesn't allow for spill-free pourings. This is where my expert pre-planning is highlighted- the t-shirt absorbs the spilled liquid.


Light the absinthe. The high-proof alcohol catches easily.


The liquid burns with a pleasant blue flame. This picture is from another session, where I used table sugar (not very visible here) instead of rock sugar. The sugar doesn't caramelize completely as expected; it only melts a little.


Douse the flame with a liberal dose of water, which also serves to dilute the drink. The back of the box reccommends a ratio of 3 parts absinthe to 7 parts water.


Stir. Disappointingly, there is NO louche effect, which indicates that the absinthe contains a very low amount of anise (I love that word. Sounds like asinine). I have gathered from the thousands of websites devoted to the Green Fairy that Czech absinthe contains little anise.


Enjoy your tipple! I finally decided to put on a shirt and safeguard my dignity. The drink tastes like mouthwash, and goes down hard the first few sips. It leaves a burning sensation in the throat due to its toilet-disinfectant-proof alcohol content, but leaves you feeling nice and warm and tingly. Two glasses and already it makes me feel like I've had one beer too many, though I'd like to add that my level of alcohol tolerance maybe isn't as high as others. It only isn't until the end of the third drink that I began to experience mild hallucinogenic effects, though I'm not quite sure. Lights and colours seemed brighter, though that could also merely be due to the alcohol and a lack of sleep. I'd probably need a few more glasses to smash myself nice and proper, and meet Lucy. And then nick her diamonds.

Verdict: I can't make any comparisons, since this is the first time I've tried it. I've come to like the taste, and it has a quicker kick compared to other hard liquors. Also, I haven't had the time for a proper session, so I didn't experience the fabled trippy experience which would've enabled me to write The Great Malaysian Novel/Poem/Song/Ass-wipe. But it's since become my favourite hard tipple, and not just for the coolness factor associated with the ritual.
7/10

Meet absinthe, the new love of my life. Second only to you-know-who lah, but that's another story for another day.

Absinthe is a strong herbal liqueur distilled with a great number of flavorful herbs like anise, liquorice, hyssop, veronica, fennel, lemon balm, angelica and wormwood. Wormwood, the one that's gained the most notoriety, is Artemisia absinthum, a herb that grows wild in Europe. Much of the liquor's legendary effect is due to its extremely high alcohol content, ranging from 50% to 75%, plus the contribution of the various herbs. It has been assumed by many that the so-called "active ingredient" in absinthe is wormwood, although that is apparently not really the case.

The drink was referred to in France as "La Fée Verte", or The Green Fairy, which is a reference to its dazzling green color. The color usually came from the chlorophyll content of the herbs used in the distillation process; however, some crap-assed manufacturers added toxic chemicals to produce both the green color and the louche (or clouding) effect that in reputable brands was caused by the precipitation of the essential oils of the herbs. It is quite probable that the bad reputation absinthe developed was due to these low-grade and perhaps quite poisonous version of the real thing.

It wasn't until a gent by the name of Henri-Louis Pernod began distilling absinthe in large quantities first in Switzerland, then France, that absinthe began to catch on as a means to ward off sobriety and the ennui of mundane Parisian lives. The intellectual elite of Paris soon became enchanted by the Fairy’s strange charms. The potent liquor’s reputation and use spread rapidly among artists and literati, who claimed absinthe raised their perceptions and creativity, allowing them to turn out more inspired work.

The power and attraction of absinthe lies in its inherent contradictions. Though fortified with a formidable measure of alcohol, a depressant, it is also infused with powerful herbal stimulants, creating a psychic tug of war in the mind of the imbiber. Alcohol relaxes inhibitions and invites in new ideas, and the stimulants allow you to logically process the new data. Foremost of the stimulants is thujone, the psychoactive chemical at the heart of the herb wormwood, which gives absinthe its bitter, black liquorish taste. While once thought to instigate simular reactions as marijuana’s THC (due to their similar structures), recent research suggests it modulates the neurotransmitter GABAA, which plays a vital role in cognitive thought. However, coriander, another ingredient, is mentioned as an aphrodisiac in the Arabic classic A Thousand and One Nights, so yay.

With the promise of inspiration, clarity and a hell of a drunk, it was no wonder it became the darling of the auteur gang. And what a gang. To say absinthe was the major influence and inspiration of the Impressionist Movement is not such an outrageous claim when you consider most of the movement’s pioneers and stars swore fealty to the liquor. Manet, Rimbaud, Jarry, Van Gogh, Gauguin, Degas, Toulouse-Lautrec and Picasso (Amanda, read this, you art fag!) were all heavy users, and if asked, they would tell you they needed the narcotic properties of absinthe to get out of their head enough to render art that had never even been thought of by more conventional artists. Lautrec carried his supply in a hollow cane, Jarry paid homage by painting himself green, Verlaine’s presumptuous manner of saying hello became, “I take sugar with it!” Van Gogh was probably the most prolific user, not to mention the most outside his head: when he couldn’t get a hold of a bottle he’d sometimes drink turpentine as a substitute. It also inspired him to cut his ear off.

The literati of the time found absinthe useful as well. Verlaine, Rimbaud, Poe, Wilde, Mary Shelly (she wrote Frankenstein while in the Faerie’s grips), and later, Hemingway, Somerset Maugham and Jack London were all enthusiastic disciples of the la Fee Verte. Hemingway wrote a large body of his work under the faerie’s influence, and it’s no wonder his short stories and novels are steeped in the stuff. Wilde once remarked about the effect of absinthe, "The first stage is like ordinary drinking, the second when you begin to see monstrous and cruel things, but if you can persevere you will enter in upon the third stage where you see things that you want to see, wonderful curious things."

The rapid spread of absinthe came much to the alarm of the already well-established prohibitionist movement. They hated alcohol in general, but saved their particular wrath for absinthe. For a number of reasons; first, it was a staple of bohemians and the idle rich, who seemed decadent and immoral to begin with. Second, the ritualistic nature of the drink seemed, well, sorta satanic. What’s more, the drink had the reputation of being an aphrodisiac and you know where that leads: sex. And since a lot of bums were drinking it (the cheap DIY-in-you-own-bathtub version, anyway) it was obviously the catalyst that made the bums act like, well, bums.

To add weight to the outrage, several religious groups sponsored a series of medical experiments that involved injecting animals with thujone and studying its diabolical effects. No tests were done on human beings, but dogs and rabbits, if injected with a massive enough dose of the chemical, would experience epileptic fits and other calamities. For a human to ingest the same amount of thujone he would have to die of alcohol poisoning many times over, but no matter. They now had their proof: absinthe was not only thoroughly immoral, but also a dangerous health risk.

The final nail in absinthe’s coffin was driven by a drunk Swiss farmer named Jean Lanfray. In August 1905, the Swiss farmer and known absinthe drinker murdered his entire family. Though thousands of murders were committed in France each year, many much more gruesome, the story made headlines the world over. The evil Green Faerie made him do it, the newspapers trumpeted, ignoring the fact Lanfray drank, in addition to two glasses of absinthe, a cre'me de menthe, a cognac and soda, two bottles of wine, and two belts of brandy the day of the murders.

The crime had an immediate and powerful effect. That year over 400,000 French men and women signed a petition declaring “everywhere the green water appears, crime and insanity soon follow.” By 1910 absinthe was banned in the nation of its birth, Switzerland. Dozens of countries followed suit and France, the last holdout, declared the manufacture and consumption of absinthe illegal in 1915.

It was finally legalized in most parts of the EU in the '90s, albeit with a limit of 10mg/kg of thujone. It's still illegal to distil and sell in the US, but not to own or to drink. And don't even ask me about Malaysia.

You’ve probably already had some experience with thujone. It’s a common ingredient in many salves, perfumes and creams. Vick’s Vap-O-Rub contains thujone. Like martinis? Then you’ve probably drank thujone. Wormwood also does inhibit the growth of some strains of dangerous bacteria. More recent studies also attribute a hepatoprotective effect to wormwood, which means it helps defend the liver against toxins. So it's not as bad shit as you all might think.

Coming soon, a review of my brand-new Staroplzenecky Absinth, courtesy of Johan from Russia!

I was on the way to Penang with the family. Thanks to dad’s brand of stupendous and alert driving which caused him to swerve hard to avoid another onrushing car, thereby waking all of us up, our bladders were in a state of maximum capacity. So we pulled over at the next stop, somewhere between Ipoh and Penang.

After we had done with the emptying of bladders and rectums and whatnot, the oldies decided they were feeling rather peckish for some durian, which happen to be in season. So they purchased a durian to be shared among them three, while I was bestowed the title of Chief Durian-Opener. Fine, so there I was, bent over the fruit, applying my considerable strength to both sides of the thorny thing.

Split. Three hands reached for the exposed fleshy seeds.

My work done, I straightened my back, and-

THUNK.

I hit my head hard against a window sill.

“Owwwhh, fuck!”

As I rubbed the afflicted spot and cursed the inventor of window sills, I heard two distinct, giggling voices. I turned and spotted two demon spawn, one skinny as a twig, the other jolly and rotund, snickering and pointing at me.

Mahai, no respect for elders ah?

I gave them the evil eye, and resumed cursing, but they only ran off to play catching-catching or whatever diabolical games kids play these days, oblivious to the daggers shooting out of my eyes at their round bottoms. Bloody hell, it’d have been worth it at least if I liked durian, but I don’t touch the damn thing. If only their parents hadn’t neglected to impart upon them the knowledge that laughing at MY misfortune would result in terrific and unimaginable pain rendered upon their miserable, maggoty selves, I wouldn’t have developed the urge to fling many, many large durians at their Cheshire faces, grinning as they were with the reckless abandon of youth.

Bastards.

A few days ago, a Mat Romeo messaged the missus, asking her out and sounding like the smoothest lounge lizard you'll ever know. I'll give it to him, he did sound polite. AT FIRST.

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From: ben
Subject: hye (i know, you're prob asking wtf is a hye)

hey... watz up?
so, hows life goin?
heard tat ur bz studying n all that....

wat r u dion over the weekends? (ooh a celine dion fan. die.)
ithought that u knw we could go out sumwhere, chill out a bit mayb 4a movie or sumthing. wat say u?

i knw u r bz wit ur studys n mayb this weekend is nt right. i dun mind, when ur free just give me a call or msg or whtever.

k gtg nw.
bubbye, take care,
which u luck in ur exam (which kind of luck, i wonder)
c ya.
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Bloody hell, I hate teenybopper language.

The missus replied something like "I don't know you."

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From: ben
Subject: WHAT?

forgot me oldy? (now he's insulting her, calling her old)

me lah ben...cya
remember?

just wanna ask u out,
u knw like a date...

actually u knw what? when da 1st time i met u,
ive oldy got a crush on u...
just could't say it that time,
was to nervous.

just love ur character n ur attitude,
just felt happy being wit u
no doubt that ur beutiful

couldt talk much, couldt xpres more,
sounds like crap
but its true bout what i felt bout u.

so, are we goin out?
we'll have a great time...
looking forward 4this

ok then,
bubbye,
take care,
c ya
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Bloody hell, I hate teenybopper language. Like, what the bollocks is an oldy??

It turns out that the missus does indeed know him, and replied something like "Hey ben, sorry but i know so many other bens. and um, that's nice of you to ask me out, but i'm actually seeing someone now. but thank you for confessing, and let's keep in touch?"

Thank you for confessing. Hah! How utterly professional, like a rejection letter from a university or something. "Dear Ben, sorry to inform you that we could not offer you a place in our university, but we thank you for your interest." SNORT.

--------------------------------------------------------------
From: ben
Subject: .....

owh! really...

so, whos this guy?
is it in da pic. wit u?

oohh cme on,
hw would he find out about us?
or is there sumthing bout me that u dun wanna tell?
i dun mind if u tell sumthing -ve bout me...
then i could understand
but if u say that u dun wanna date wit me coz of
sum1, then is kinda hard 4me to belive..

just kinda curious...
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Bloody hell, I hate teenybopper language. But....

Mahai sei fa hai chau cibai kannasai! This is stepping over the line, buddy. Men know their limits, now do you wear pants or a skirt? Although I have considered wearing a skirt before, just cos it's so cool(literally), but you get my drift. Enter Bitch-Barry.

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From: Barry
Subject: A message from that guy "in da pic wit Suet"

Hello. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but it seems that you're hitting on my girlfriend, and are blatantly assuming that you can actually HAVE her, behind my back.
Now, that's kinda insulting, coming from a high school kid like yourself.
Tell me, which part of "In A Relationship" don't you understand? Kindly point it out, and I'll be glad to explain it to you, in simple layman's English, if you prefer.
You wondered aloud, pissing in my eye, how I could possibly find out about you hitting on Suet. Wanna pop a guess now? Dude, as a rule, you never hit on an already-taken girl. It's just piss-weak, and desperate.
And yeah, there is something about you that she didn't want to tell you, something negative, as you put it. It's that she's already seeing someone, and is not interested in you, or cheating. Oh wait, she already told you that.
AND, what's so hard to believe about her not wanting to date you cos of me? Hello, is anyone home? Questions like these generally aren't asked by anyone with an IQ of a 100 and above, and I was led to believe that you were part of that group. Sadly, I was wrong.
If you could just remove your head from your ass, you'd perhaps begin to fathom what I'm trying to convey here. But that's unlikely.
I hope you manage to find some other girl to harass.

Warmest regards.
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