Not a witty nor funny post about other miscreants' sufferings.

Oh holy Moses I've got eleven days left here!

Part of me feels excited to start college soon, but another part is growing reluctant to leave all that I have here. Which essentially is the missus. Oh ok, and the family.

Bye babe! Will miss being yours! (and shagging you.)

Bye Dad! Will miss your singular abdominal and overall blurness!

Bye Mom! I won't miss your nagging!

Bye Sis! Sometimes I miss you completely anyway (fourfeet*COUGH*nine)

Jeez, I haven't even packed. Will appreciate comments on unimportant living-abroad necessities (that means no "clothes lah you dumbshit" or "yourself lah ha. ha."), things like the foldable laundry basket my mom got for me and the multiple-colour-glowing alarm clock cum thermometer that the missus got.

I've also got some TV software installed so I can watch the EPL, so that's whoop dee doo for me.

Have been placed in the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity. What that means to someone who's completely foreign to the Greek system, I don't quite know.

EXCEPT THAT YOU CAN SOON CATCH ME ON COLLEGE FUCK FEST HA HA HA HA HA. If you start laughing at the tiny chink dick on your computer screen, it could be me.

I'm kidding babe. The frat looks esteemed and prestigious and serious. I mean, Robert S. McNamara, former president of the World Bank was a FIJIan. So ironic that I am currently reading a book blasting McNamara as part of the American corporatocracy that's only serving the forward march of the American global empire. Conspiracy theory, I like.

Anyway, cheerio.

PS. Who wants a foursome? Must bring own partner.

And what do seven pairs of testicles do at mamak sessions? Why, exchange embarassing tales of other absent friends and laugh at their unfortune stories that have since passed on to become the stuff of legend, of course.

Schadenfreude ist die schönste Freude denn sie kommt von Herzen - Pleasure from another's misfortune is the best pleasure since it comes from the heart.

Ahh, bless.

Anyway, here's one story:

Jin's brief but funny altercation with the cops

It was 3am one morning when Jin (whom some of you may remember as the Leng Chai Who Puked Black Shit Onto The Nice Saujana Hyatt Bed from the Leng Chai Gang's first ever Bukkake party. ) received a call from a female friend who wanted to run away from home because her parents were too strict and whupped her ass regularly. Or something like that.

Russell Peters moment: "Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

I digress. So anyway, Jin drives a manual transmission sporty old-model BMW, and he parked it a distance away from said girl's house, so her parents wouldn't hear the engine rumble of that bitchin car.He walks towards her house. He notices two Malay dudes standing under a tree, dressed like good ol regular joes, having a fag. What do you do at a time like that, in a generally nice suburb but which has slowly been infiltrated with all sorts of societal scum?

What would you do? Walk away from them, of course.

One of the faggers suddenly booms, "Hey, stop!"

Getting creepy. What would you do? Start running in the opposite direction, of course.

The other dude suddenly WHIPS OUT A MOTHERFUCKING GUN and yells, "POLICE! STOP OR I'LL SHOOT!"

Holy bleeding Nora, you're in deep shit. What would you do?

RUN AND JUMP LIKE A FUCKING ENERGIZER BUNNY ON ECSTASY.

After all, anybody could claim to be a cop. And according to our hero, he'd watched enough cop movies to know that all good cops aim for the perp's legs during a chase, hence the hops. Don't ask me why the contrasting perceptions of the two dudes, he was probably scared shitless and couldn't think straight.

So the cops gave chase, and Jin, like the cunning lupine football forward he used to be made a sudden turn into an alley and tried to climb the fences of the surrounding houses. Alas, "fucking SS18 houses all, fences all so fucking tall."

Fortunately, he managed to give them the slip.

By hiding behind some bushes.

He watched as the headlights of the cop-car shone past his hiding place and moved past it, ahead to the end of the street. Breathing a sigh of relief, he got up and brushed the dirt off his jeans.

Only for the copcar to turn back, paralyzing our poor protagonist in its headlights.

He had to surrender his ID, and probably because he has a babyface, they didn't believe that the BMW was his and made him drive down the street and turn back.

Not satisfied with that, they went to the runaway girl's house and asked her, "Do you know this guy?"

The terrified girl replied, "NO!"

I don't know what happened after that, but since he's back home now, he probably paid them off with sexual favours or something. Ok ok sorry for the anticlimax, but this next story's even better.

W's big mouth

This is a classic. There are four characters in this story, Daryl, an unnamed friend, Sean, and our heroine W. For reasons that will soon be obvious, I have chosen not to explicitly reveal her identity here.

The four of them were on their way home from a night our clubbing in KL, and Daryl was driving. The friend was in the passenger seat, and Sean and W (who were a couple at the time) were in the backseat. Daryl has a habit of frequently glancing into his rearview mirror, probably to look out for cops because he drives like a motherfucker on speed.

That's not to say that frequently checking your rear is a bad thing, you should always check your rear for piles/pile-ups.

Haha ok pun over, back to the story. So Daryl glanced at his mirror and noticed that he could see Sean's head...but not W's.

At the same time, there were noises coming from the backseat that sounded like a very thirsty kid trying to swallow a fast-melting popsicle.

Daryl risked a glance back.

Oh yeah.

He quickly typed out a message on his mobile and passed it on to the friend in the next seat: SHES GIVING HIM A FUCKING BJ

The friend also risked a glance back.

Oh yeah.

The noises were getting to Daryl, so he cleared his throat audibly, and said, "Uhhhh, you guys, don't mess up my carseat ok..."

W's reply (muffled through a mouthful of cock, I imagine) is now legendary, its bluntness and succinctness giving immortality to a story that will doubtless be passed down the generations over many a beer and laugh.

"DON'T WORRY, MY MOUTH IS DAMNED BIG."

I smacked a kid.

It was the worst thing I've ever done. I wish I could take it back.

Who the fuck am I kidding? It felt bloody good!

I wish I could do it again. Goddamn brat.

Alright, backstory. So there was this Maggot of a kid, a friend of the missus' younger brother who's like 8 inches tall who has been getting on my nerves for the past week. They'd come over once in awhile in a pack (YES, DON'T CORRECT ME, PACK) and while I can take the missus' brother's antics well enough cos he's a funny kid, this Maggot thinks he can rile me up just cos he's distantly related to me.

We don't even know each other's name. Fucking maggot.

Case 1: The missus and I were in the Bazmobile, in the basement in front of the lift, saying goodbye. The Pack comes along, an entity of waving arms and noise and Jason (that's the missus' brother) comes over and pretends to kick out my headlight. That's alright, cos he's a funny kid.

Then Maggot comes over to the missus' side and starts slapping on the goddamn window with his fucking dirty palms, lord knows which asshole those palms have been hiding in, all the while screaming warbled garbles whatever the fuck kids his age usually scream when they're on a high from inserting their hands into other kids' assholes.

Fucking maggot, I just had that car washed and waxed.

I had on a constipated expression, a result of trying to force a smile at Jason and trying to express my hatred and disgust at the turd of a maggot.



Case 2: The missus and I were at her place alone, when suddenly The Pack rings the doorbell. While the missus got dressed, I tried to buy time by opening the door a crack and grinning at them while they hollered to open the door.

Fucking maggot says to his Pack, "Damn gay lah that guy."

I threw open the door and gave him my most withering stare, but before I could use his guts for garters, Jason had to spoil it by saying, "Woah, gangster stare" to break the tension.



Bah, let him go on account of him being the missus' brother's friend.

Case 3: The missus and I were at her place again, fully clothed this time, awaiting the start of the Germany vs Argentina World Cup match on the boobtube. The dreaded doorbell and demonic titter issued from behind the door. The Pack burst in, all rowdy and with dirty feet to boot (the missus hates dirty kids' feet on her nice clean floor) and settled themselves comfortably around the tv, with the Maggot sitting on the couch with me by some quirk of fate. Or maybe the lord was trying to test my resolve and my utter willingness to smack kids.

Jason was sitting in front of me, and he turned and asked me, "Germany or Argentina?"

"What do you mean, Germany or Argentina? Who's better, or who I think will win?"

All at once, that Turd of a Maggot starts yappering, "GERMANY OR ARGENTINA?? GERMANY OR ARGENTINA??" in my left ear while repeatedly lifting his chin up at me, a damn provocative gesture in these parts that is also used to challenge someone to a fight. Like, what the fuck.

I turned to him, gave him my most withering stare (see above), and said, "Could you speak a little nicer to me?"

"I'm just asking you, Germany or Argentina!" he whinged.

"Well I wasn't talking to you, was I?" and turned back to Jason.

The maggot muttered aloud, "Damn gay lah you."

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

My left arm pistoned out on its own accord and struck the maggot in the face. To hell with it if the missus' mom and bro were there.

The turd instantly whipped up his hands in surrender and said "Sorrysorrysorry!!!"

AHHH THAT FELT SO FUCKING GOOD.

Absolute. Silence.

I had silenced The Pack by showing them that being kids does not wield them any protection whatsoever from a truly brat-hating monster like me. Even the kid-loving missus didn't entirely disapprove!

Sure, someone else would say "But they're only kids!", and to that person, I say fuck you.

PS. Pardon the anime pictures, I'm on a GTO binge.

------------------------------------

I've quit my job!

------------------------------------

Some of you might also have noticed that this is the first time I've blogged in over three months.

Good observational skills, I say.

The best job in the world is, I'm afraid, not the best job in the world any more.

I've been stuck digging graves in the midnight shift. My typical day goes like this. I go to work at 12. MIDNIGHT. I handle shit from irate Ameerkin customers who had too much JD to drink until 8am, whereupon I have breakfast at the mamak downstairs. After this, I proceed to settle my exorbitant parking fees which cost me 7 bucks a day and which is also the main reason why I only have 2 bucks in my wallet right now. Then I drive to the missus' at 9, smiling phonily at the guard who likes to lean against my car and ask "Mana amoi?" every single time, to show him that I think that's the funniest shit I've ever heard since the time when Badawi said he feels our pain in having to fork out more for fuel while he goes home in his gas-guzzler that runs on fuel paid for by us. I might fall asleep, depending on my exhaustion level, and then the missus will wake me up at 10.20 to fetch her to work.

I drive her mom's car because the price of fuel is fucking me in the ass, and then I return to her place only to fall asleep again until 3.15 pm. That's about 4.5 hours of sleep. I fetch the missus from work, and after she's had her shower and us our lunch, we go back to my pad (or my dining room; or the Bazmobile) for a sparring round or two. We fall back asleep for a couple of hours, or not. This again depends on our exhaustion levels, and the missus' high-ness level. For example, today while I was attempting in vain to drift to the Land of Nod, the missus was yapping on about how nervous she was about the impending SPM results and using my hand to thump her chest, all the while interjecting manic laughter with onomatopoeic "dub-dub-dub-dub" noises to illustrate her anxiety.

And then she started laughing and crying.

I could have been lying next to Linda Blair for all I knew.

Moving on, we have a late dinner and I fetch her back to her place, at about 10. Sometimes, although her whole family's already home by the time, I have a short hour-long nap in her brother's room. The missus might join me, but we leave the door open and lie 45 ft apart to show her mom that no hanky-panky is taking place.

And then I drive to work again, after a total of 6.5 hours of sleep, if I'm lucky.

And here I am, presently at the office, at 1.28 am.

Fucklah will someone please remind me why I took this job.

My only experience with the paranormal happened 3 or 4 years back. I was home alone at the computer. Dad was at work, mom was out grocery shopping, and my sister was out with her friends. This was back when she was still in her fugly phase, her dark ages to be exact. She had a stringy, limp and oily haircut that hung to her shoulders and her idea of fashion was a t-shirt and cargo pants. She had yet to discover skirts and the colour pink.

But I digress. So I was at the computer, and my sister was due home any time soon. I think I was porn-surfing or something because I was jumpy when the doorbell rang. I was into jap porno at the time, though why I felt the need to tell you that, I don't know. So the doorbell rang, and as I was upstairs at the time, I jumped up and walked over to the big window in my parents' room which overlooks the garden and gate. There at the gate, with a sour face and in clothes I knew she owned but wasn't wearing that day, was my sister in the flesh. I assume "she" was made of flesh. The car which had dropped her off was gone, and since I'd taken awhile to yank up my shorts or stop whatever it was that I was doing before taking my time to make my way to the window, I assumed she was pissed that nobody was home.

Being the nice brother that I am, I ran downstairs and pressed the switch which swung open the gates. But when I stepped outside, she was already gone. I assumed that she'd got back into whichever car which had dropped her off, thinking noone was home. So I left the gate open, hoping that the driver of the car would notice the open gate in his rearview mirror. I waited awhile before stepping outside to see if the car was still somewhere down the road, but it wasn't.

Oh well.

She arrived home an hour or two later, in different clothes as when I saw her at the gate. I queried her, "Eh did you come home just now?"

"Nooo."

"Funny." I related my story to her and she freaked out and broke out in goosebumps and peed her fugly unfashionable shorts and pulled out her oily hair and burst the mass of pimples on her forehead. It didn't seem freaky to me at the time, nor does it now, but the story goes that if you meet your own doppelgänger, it's an omen of death.

Ok, thanks to Wikipedia, I've answered a question my sister and I have long shared: what if a relative sees your doppelgänger? Apparently it "may sometimes bring bad luck, or indicate an approaching illness or health problem." Hmm can't recall anything shitty happening in the aftermath.

Alright enough serious shit. While the missus is away, her family has been hosting a Japanese youth exchangee by the name of Mami. Her name naturally became the butt of some very bad jokes. Anyway, the Lions Club held a farewell dinner at some posh club and I followed the in-laws there, with Marcus the Horny Drooler With A Penchant For Nubile Japanese Girls in tow.

Imagine our surprise when we spotted London Nerd Adrian Tan mingling amongst nubile japanese girls. But of course it wasn't him, it was some Jap mofo who had on a Baju Melayu and a songkok which made us laugh even harder considering Adrian's...erm, distaste for such things, but the similarity was astounding.



London Nerd? <------------------------------------------------------> Jap mofo?

I know, I know, I look better than the both of them.

A thought: if I kicked the jap mofo squarely in the nuts, Adrian might feel them twins hurting like there's no tomorrow, 325623057816 miles away in Nottingham. I think I'll give it a shot at the airport tomorrow, before the jap mofo leaves.

Bottom line: doppelgängers are cool shits.

Ate at the formerly-friendly neighbourhood McD for dinner cos prosperity burger's back on sale. Ahem, PROSPERITY BURGER'S ON SALE!

A noob waiter/order-taker served me and hell was he such a noob. I swear I've never seen such a noob in my life. He just walks up to any noob working at a fast food outlet and without even the courtesy to say "Please", just shits all over them. He makes the entire fatty-arteries industry look THAT bad.

So I went up to the cashier. He stood there staring at me with his mouth agape. I ordered a Prosperity Meal. He took two lifetimes searching for the right buttons to press.

Then he looked up at me. And stared.

So I stared back.

We stared.

Then I tilted my head upwards and said "Apa?"

He mumbled something. I asked again "APA?"

Then he made a drinking motion with his hands in a slow and languid fashion and whispered "Minum?"

I snorted and said "Minum apa, I ordered a Prosperity Meal." It was then that one of his superiors came to his rescue and informed him that a meal includes a drink, in this case, an Orange McFizz, which is just a anusload of Sprite mixed with a teaspoon of orange juice. He shuffled aimlessly in a small circle, in silence. Then he returned to the cashier and stared at me some more.

I stared back.

I glanced down and saw that the cost was already displayed on the register, so I paid him. He returned me my change wordlessly. He shuffled off to get my drink. I had a sinking feeling he'd just give me a Sprite, but he proved me wrong, a rare occasion and therefore cause to celebrate, but I didn't have my dancing shoes on me that time.

Then he just stood there, staring at the french fry bin. Apparently they were out of curly fries and had to fry some more. He shuffled back to the soda fountain, poured me a small cup of coke, and placed it on my tray next to my Orange McFizz, which I must say looked rather more gargantuan and infinitely more appealing next to that midget of a cola.

He stared some more.

I stared back.

I was puzzled at the unexpected gift, so I wrinkled my brows to appear bemused and asked "Apa ni?" He made another drinking motion with his hands and whispered, "Minum" again, while pointing to the french fry bin. Another superior stepped in this time, and instructed him to just give a metal waiting-number to customers who eat-in. He looked about ready to cry, so I gave him my miniature Coke and said "Nah, kau ambillah" and trudged back to my seat with my tray, before feasting on my orgasmic Prosperity burger, a godsent amalgamation of a beef patty, onions, and black pepper sauce.




"I have no idea why I'm wearing this Wonder Woman outfit. By the way, yes that is how many times we've shat our brains out, cabron."

Ok so for those of you who've been tearing your hair out and beating your breast, wondering what your beloved blogger Barry has been up to these past few days and weeks and fortnights and months since he last blogged, allow me to enlighten you with random snippets of thought from the hallowed noggin of yours truly which will no doubt leave your knees weak with excitement and make you cream your tightie whities with happiness.

For those of you who couldn't be bothered, shaddup and read anyway.

- The big news is, of course, my acceptance into St. John's College in Annapolis, MD. It's a thinking man's school; there are no majors, and everyone studies the same thing. At the center of the program are the "great books", classics written from the time of golden Athenian thought up to the works from last century. We'll study science from Newton's Principia Mathematica, slog through the philosophy of Plato and Aristotle, pore over the politics of Marx and Machiavelli, learn math from Descartes, and even play the compositions of Bach and Beethoven.

Fucking nerd school, but I love it. They have a friendly rivalry with the neighbouring US Naval Academy, so naturally comparisons are made between the two and Athens/Sparta. They also offered me like a gazillion bucks in financial aid, so that tied up the deal. I'll leave in Aug/Sept, which leaves me eight months to be gainfully employed and to make the most of my remaining time with the missus.

- Speaking of which, I'm not taking separation from the missus too well. She's only been gone for like a week, and already the withdrawal symptoms are out in full force. And don't get me started on the boredom. I never knew I was that dependent on her for...ahem, sensory and emotional gratification. I am beyond fucking bored. Half the time I'm having a most inappropriate and unfortunate relationship with my fist.

- Spider Solitaire is the shit. I've got a 45% winning percentage on the medium level and therefore I am king shit. If you're going to tell me bah that's nuffink i can win the difficult level with my eyes glued to my testicles then I will send my big black friend Nimalan over to your domicile to monster rape you.

- Will be flying to Langkawi with the missus for a romantic shagaway, I mean getaway, of course I meant getaway, a month from now on a transport budget of eighty bucks. No, I'm not sure I said that loud enough; WE ARE FLYING TO LANGKAWI WITH EIGHTY DOLLAR RETURN TICKETS. Airasia is the monster shit, I tell you. They're fucking geniuses, they're even offering 2 gajilliontrillionmamamiamillion free seats when they'll actually be raking in more cash. Oh my Barry you're such a genius how did you figure that out, you're asking while scratching your gonads. Simple, first they give out the free seats, limited number per flight only of course, then on your return flight the prices soar because the entire population of Asia who took the opportunity to fly out will eventually have to return. So more passengers on the return trip = jacked up ticket prices = more moolah. Fucking genius. Plus the fact that they sponsor the other love of my life, the greatest sports team on the planet, Manchester United (shaddup Scousers you need to win the Treble before you're allowed to clean our boots).

- I've got a bitchin' cough and fever that's the exact same one which had me coughing after every word and after every 5 seconds when I'm not speaking, exactly a year ago. I've also got a recurring mosquito-bump under my left nipple which comes and goes as it pleases, having been here-today-gone-tomorrow-ing for the past few years. While we're on the topic, I've also got a tiny bump on my right ass which for the life of me I can't figure out what it is. I think it used to be a pimple which didn't pop. There's a small Phua Chu Kang mole above my pubic region, and a birthmark on one of my shoulderblades, I forgot which. Come on, who looks at their backs anyway, unless you've got a really cool mirror hanging from the ceiling allowing you to watch yourself while you're, um, pleasing the lady.

- Anyway, Christmas is coming, so I'd like to share some miracle-testimonies about the powers of Jesus Our Lord And Savior And Who Also Happens To Wait On Tables At KFC, Son Of Carlos And Juanita. I heard these at a Christmas fellowship/gathering which I only attended because of the holy incarnation of Gorgeosity and Gorgeousness that is my girlfriend and the promise of free turkey.

"I was on my way to school, when my car broke down. I had a major exam that day, so I prayed to the Lord to help me make it on time. My dad then called an uncle who lives nearby, and he arrived in a short while and fetched me to school. I thank Jesus for helping me sit for my exam."

"I've always wanted a particular pair of shorts which I didn't have enough money to buy. And then on Christmas morning, I unwrapped my present and to my joy and bewilderment I discovered that it was the exact pair of shorts that I'd wanted! Now who would give a pair of shorts as a Christmas present? (Santa Claus, that's who, you idiot.) Come let's rejoice in his name for giving me those shorts!"

Again, I have nothing against the religion (well, not that much anyway), but some Christians are just polluting the gene pool. At least Buddhists know to shut up.

Here's another dumb Christian youth pastor who likes pinching tits.

- Anyway, get me one of these for Christmas and I'll love you forever.


1) The missus.




2) A snazzy notebook.



Don't be a shithead and get me this instead:


I'll hate your fucking guts you cheap shit.


3) A million bucks.


That's me you see at the front, dressed in dough.


4) Either the Donnie Darko Director's Cut DVD or the Crash DVD.




5) The aural rapage of Captain Beefhart - Trout Mask Replica




6) A pool table minus the skanky Brit ho (come on, who are you kidding? Only a Brit could look that fugly).




7) Umm, since it's Christmas, I'll go for World Peace.

Even the bugs are doing it.

I had just got home from the missus', and having gotten some I was feeling rather fagged and fashed and bashed, but it was a good day nevertheless. Nice and cool, a nice day to get some. Everyone was in on it, and as we shall soon see, even the bugs.

It was nearing dinnertime and the rice needed cooking. I dutifully scooped a couple of cupfuls of rice grain into the rice cooker and was about to flush the pot with water, when I noticed out of the corner of my double-eyelidless eye:

TWO FUCKING GRAIN WEEVILS.

I mean, literally.

I have a problem with grain weevils periodically infesting my rice bin, multiplying out of nowhere to lay the eggs of their spawn into my innocent and rather costly Birds of Paradise rice grains, where the wee buggers would hatch and eat away the yummy carbs of the grain from the inside out. When they were done hollowing the grain, they'd finally be of full adult size and break through the shell, where they would find another mate to fuck with and repeat the entire process all over again.

It's a rather sad existence actually. I mean, their only purpose in life is to reproduce to prolong the existence of their species. Besides, of course, antagonizing us poor rice eaters who have to worry over the unwanted presence of a baby weevil in a grain of rice, unhatched, and then cooked. Extra protein, says mom.

So anyway, I caught an amorous pair going at it like rabbits atop a singly grain of rice. It really was a fascinating sight, and I hurriedly picked the grain out and headed for my camera. Alas, before I could reach it, the male had already done the deed, and being rather fagged and fashed and bashed himself, he climbed off rather undignified and the two then hobbled away from each other unceremoniously.

Lucky bugs. Hump and dump.

In my disappointment at not having caught such a rare and exquisite sight on film, I have thus decided to astound you all with the wonders of my artistic talent, applied so expertly to a rather vivid and graphic depiction of the fucking bugs. Pardon the pun. Look at this and weep.





I wanted to be a cartoonist when I was a kid.



On another note, I somehow managed to completely muff up the simple task of cooking rice. I washed the rice. I filled the pot with the appropriate amount of water. I replaced the pot into the cooker. I turned on the main switch. I pressed "Cook".

BUT WHY OH WHY DID I FORGET TO REPLACE THE COVER?!?!

It took a reminder from my mom to turn off the main switch, AFTER the rice had already been cooked, that I noticed my astronomical blunder. The rice had taken on an unpleasant tone of yellow, it was dry as sand, and when chewed, or rather, crunched, gave you the tremendously exciting sensation of eating weevil-flavoured cornflakes.

I have henceforth decided that I shall no longer have anything to do with the kitchen. So Suet, faster brush up on your cooking skills and fetch me a beer.

Oh I'm kidding, I love you babe.

Now fetch me my beer, dammit.

Do I look sympathetic?

Is my name Big Bro/Big Sis/Aunt Agatha/Idiot?

Do you see the tattoo on my forehead that says "Tell me your shitty problems and your shitty life you shitty shit"?

No? Wanna know why you didn't see that sign? Cos it ain't there you shitty shit.

However, as John Lennon once sang, instant karma's gonna get you. Ergo, it's only fitting that I play Doctor Love once more and help the pathetic in hopes of gaining entry into St. John's College.

Little Shit messaged me again later at night. He'd done away with the pretensions of attempting to be my best friend; instead, we were already best friends. At least that's what he thought. But his was such an amazingly pathetic story, the mind boggles and finally gives way to pity. He claimed that because of the entire episode and the immense popularity of Suet's blog, he was now being viewed as little more than a desperate little shit with perversions of the flesh. He begged me to help mend bridges with the lady friends who now shun his despicable perverted self.


Little Shit says:
ur chiqs bloig,got me to lose my best frend
Little Shit says:
can u plssss...explain to this gurl


As an extra incentive for me to help him out, he offered me a precious nugget of vital information in fucking Jevan over next time: that when he's out impersonating Suet, "she" enjoys nothing more than surfing the net in the nude and sipping an ice cold Pina Colada with her pooch Pookie by her side.

I reluctantly agreed, because you can't help but feel pity for someone in his situation. He's lost his friends, his best friend, and his girlfriend. Technically, he never had a girlfriend in the first place, but let's not dabble in semantics for the moment.

He added his friend Kimberley into the conversation, and I set about explaining that he had been screwed over by someone else, and she apologized for calling him a delusional shithead who'll never have another sexual relationship with anything that moves, or something to that effect.

He showered me with eternal gratitude and called me uncle said he wasn't worthy to be in my esteemed company:

Little Shit says:
finaly
Little Shit says:
thx barry..
Little Shit says:
ur my savier..

Hmm, I thought Jesus was his saviour. But whatever.

Then it got more complicated when he brought ANOTHER girl in, this time one that our little hero has a "thing" for. He moaned and beat his breast and told me she's been treating him differently ever since the whole episode began, and that he "just wants things to be back as they were before". Things took a comical turn of events when he decided that now was the chance for him to make his BIG CONFESSION. " - " is his chickadee.


- has been added to the conversation.

Serene Liew Suet Li has been added to the conversation.

- says:
wht is it now??!

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
errrrrrrr?
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
grabs popcorn

- says:
oh GOD help me

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
i go buy large pepsi

Little Shit says:
as if im not asking for gods help
Little Shit says:
barry, wat should i do now


At this point, Little Shit sent me a private message feeding me lines to say in the main chat window. My line was: Haiya, just forget her only lah.

I only went along with it because one could sense a blockbuster of biblical proportions brewing. Suet and I shared a box of caramel popcorn and a Pepsi.


Little Shit says:
how can
Little Shit says:
ugh.......
Little Shit says:
u noe how hard isitto forget her
Little Shit says:
eventhough we fight dam alot

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u...like....her?


Of course, Suet was privy to the whole thing and was merely acting silly, like I was.

Another private message. I was to ask his Chickadee what would she do if she lost her best friend.


Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
what you gonna do now, Chickadee? in light of such a bold confession? he's your best friend isn't he

- says:
best fren?
- says:
umm...actually, he considers me as his
- says:
but, not the other way round

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
ouch!
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
DRAMA!

Little Shit says:
Chickadee..
Little Shit says:
u forget things fast
Little Shit says:
omigosg

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
darling gia popcorn lai, wa ai chiak (which means: darling, come here and give me an exotic lapdance. oh btw, pass me the popcorn, i wanna eat)

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
chickadee...tsk tsk..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
yalah give him a chance lah

- says:
a chance??? to be wht?

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
at least just to be back to normal or whatever it was

Little Shit says:
not tat chance shit lar

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
a chance to shit?

- says:
err.. wht do u want now???

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
he wnats a chance to shit

- says:
wht's all this crap for?
- says:
wht u want???

Little Shit says:
wth is wrong now
Little Shit says:
y r u doing this
Little Shit says:
to me@

- says:
doing wht?!!!

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
he wants things back to normal

Little Shit says:
suet...njoying wat ur blog did

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
WTF

Little Shit says:
ntgntg
Little Shit says:
not blaming u

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh don't blame her ok

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
so my blog did this huh?

Little Shit says:
not blaming..

- says:
yea la jahat

Little Shit says:
sry che che

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u tell me, little shit, my blog did this huh?

Little Shit says:
nono..

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u dont like it when im angry
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
right, bear?

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
yalah little shit, wanna understand women must be a little more sensitive
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
but when they;re pms-ing like suet is now, must be VERY sensitive

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ok u say i very pretty first


You can clearly see Suet has picked up the schadenfreude behaviour from yours truly. We were having a ball.

Little Shit then went on about how much he's done for his Chickadee, and how she never appreciates how patient he is. Shit lah it really did feel like we were watching a movie unfold before our screens.


Little Shit says:
y cant gurls b sensitive
Little Shit says:
i've been patient

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ok now listen here Little Shit
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
Little Shit in my proffesional opinion, i think u like Chickadee.

Little Shit says:
...........
Little Shit says:
FUCK it..i do..

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
waaaahhhhhhhh
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
*music*

Little Shit says:
i doi do i do

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh don't curse so much in front of the ladies lah


FINALLY! JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT THE LITTLE SHIT DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO CONFESS, HE DID IT!!!!!!! Doesn't this just send a tingle down to your loins and make you go "Awwww" and want to play with children in your bed and ply them with soda laced with alcohol?

Awwww. That dramatic shmuck. He went away for a moment, and Suet and I played counsellors to his Chickadee. She said she's told him a billion times that she doesn't like him anymore than a platonic friend would, but the delusional sod still doesn't get it.


Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ok..actually hor..
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
Chickadee is a very nice girl
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
but hor.. she likes u as a FRIEND only.

Little Shit says:
go on

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
she's still your friend, but she doesn't want anything more than that lah
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
FOR THE MOMENT

Little Shit says:
firstly...id lyk to say im sry to every1 in here
Little Shit says:
2ndly..
Little Shit says:
i've seriously bang my head already....
Little Shit says:
bleeding now..
Little Shit says:
3rdly..
Little Shit says:
i noe Chickadee,u lyk me as a frend only..
Little Shit says:
this will chg everyhting again
Little Shit says:
not saying
Little Shit says:
chg to good
Little Shit says:
chg to bad.
Little Shit says:
i dunmind anymore..
Little Shit says:
do watevar u wish..
Little Shit says:
i give u my life..
Little Shit says:
control it..
Little Shit says:
dun mind...

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
WAH!


Oh that poor, pathetic shmuck. Shmuck Shmuck. If only he could learn how to type an entire sentence in one message instead of splitting it into multiple messages.

I'll skip everything else and instead paste here the overly dramatic things he said.


Little Shit says:
NEXT CHAPTER----
Little Shit says:
i noe..ull nvr accept me...
Little Shit says:
i've been patient wit u so much
Little Shit says:
n i noe..u've been too..
Little Shit says:
thx you..
Little Shit says:
for tat..
Little Shit says:
Chickadee...
Little Shit says:
just wanna let u noe..
Little Shit says:
tat...
Little Shit says:
im deeply in love wit u...
Little Shit says:
u think...im ...LAME>CACATED>CRAZY>SENSITIVE>IMMATURE
Little Shit says:
i am watevar u said i was..
Little Shit says:
but..
Little Shit says:
i just wanna make u feel..
Little Shit says:
not make u feel...make u noe*/realise..
Little Shit says:
how im feeling
Little Shit says:
surely..
Little Shit says:
now..
Little Shit says:
ur saying in ur head..
Little Shit says:
*he doesnt make any point*
Little Shit says:
yea...well..tat is bcoz....
Little Shit says:
my english sucks
Little Shit says:
those who understand..
Little Shit says:
help me explain..

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Ahem.

Little Shit says:
LAST CHAPTER-------------
Little Shit says:
i like u alot...
Little Shit says:
just seriously forget me
Little Shit says:
every thing
Little Shit says:
every single thing i've said..

- says:
forget u?? eh?

Little Shit says:
just forget it..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh shit Chickadee i think he's going to kill himself

- says:
den y bother explain it when u're asking me to forget it now??

Little Shit says:
FORGET ME
Little Shit says:
go live..happilty..
Little Shit says:
without sum faggot disturbing u
Little Shit says:
he'll just make u miserable...

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh? i thought you liked her? why are you a faggot now?

Little Shit says:
i wanna wish u an early happy birthday wish

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh wish me also lah, my bday was this monday

Little Shit says:
oh..
Little Shit says:
happy belated bday then

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
thanks

Little Shit says:
Chickadee..
Little Shit says:
if u dun wan to talk to me
Little Shit says:
i dun mind liao

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
yeah, he doesnt mind

Little Shit says:
dun need to reply my sms'es

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
yeah, no need.

Little Shit says:
can erase me from ur contact

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
yalor, press only

Little Shit says:
u dun noe..
Little Shit says:
how hard isit..
Little Shit says:
to forget u
Little Shit says:
well.
Little Shit says:
its for u having to live a happy life,then im happy..
Little Shit says:
njoy ur life..

- says:
enough enough

Little Shit says:
*wipe tears*


Oh my fucking god this guy was unbelievable. I was busting a gut laughing at the last line. Oh man he just messaged me again. Ok anyway back to the story.

Suet became so overcome with emotion that she threatened suicide.

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
all started because of MEEEEEEE
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
i should kill myself

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
hahaha guilty lah now!

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
*takes knife
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
nooo, let me gooooooooo!!!!!!11

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
i spank you tmr bee. rowr.

- says:
haha drama queen
- says:
okay, so... how are things now??

Little Shit says:
ntg to say to tat......
Little Shit says:
my eyes are too wattery to read

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
wah you damn drama lah wei


What I really wanted to say was "You disgust me you fucking pussy-excuse for a man."


- says:
im trying to end it cleanly here
- says:
so whts the conc?

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
concentration 1 mol/dm3

Little Shit says:
conc is...
Little Shit says:
i....
Little Shit says:
WANT....
Little Shit says:
YOU....
Little Shit says:
TO.......

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
oh ceh i thought you want her

Little Shit says:
FORGET..
Little Shit says:
ME..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
aiseh Little Shit seriously no need to be so dramatic

Little Shit says:
damnit..
Little Shit says:
how to sleep tonight

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
take sleeping pills
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
but not so many ah
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
we're already worried you're gonna commit suicide

Little Shit says:
i wun commit suicide..
Little Shit says:
i did try to go there
Little Shit says:
u wan me to try

- says:
no no

Little Shit says:
seriously....wan me try commiting suicide
Little Shit says:
ill come to jacky chan right now..
Little Shit says:
jump down from my living room
Little Shit says:
to downstairs..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
why do you want to come to jacky chan? or do you want to come on him?


It was already 230 in the a.m. and we were all tired and sleepy. So I made an attempt to summarize everything for the two so they could thrash something out themselves.


Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
ok lah Little Shit, want me to summarize what i think i know about you that's bugging ppl?

Little Shit says:
yea..i noe..
Little Shit says:
i dun get along wit ppl very well..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh i offered to tell you lah, not to listen
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
1. you're overly sensitive
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
ppl say something and you terasa easily

- says:
clever

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
2. you overreact
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you terasa edi, then you act like the whole world's gonna collapse on you
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
for example, your threat to commit suicide
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
don't have to be so dramatic. girls don't like guys with a lot of baggage

- says:
wow, barry u're good at this

Little Shit says:
go kao him then

- says:
whts with u Little Shit?

Little Shit says:
ntg
Little Shit says:
ntg wit me

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
kao me for what, i have an amazing gf edi

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
yeah, MEEEEEEEEe

Little Shit says:
my turn to summarize this things

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
....u summarise how many times edi

- says:
when is it gonna end?

Little Shit says:
just wait..
Little Shit says:
let me explain
Little Shit says:
promise..
Little Shit says:
last n final summarizing chapter
Little Shit says:
summary of this shit-u all dun understand how i feel,bcoz....the way i explain it..is very blur...-end-

Serene Liew Suet Li has left the conversation.

Barry Ooi Eu Hock has left the conversation.

And that was when we got tired and left him to wallow in his own pool of pathetic-ness.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

However, most of the time, I'm a horrible bastard who couldn't give a damn for whingeing buggers, which explains my penchant for reading the letters published in Big Bro columns and not the replies. They make for interesting and sometimes funny reading.

This maudlin fellow messaged me on MSN early this year, saying he stumbled upon my blog and found it interesting. Flattering, but puzzling also because he hails from some kampung and with his constant queries on where I was studying then, and asked me for advice as to what he should do, post-spm.

I swear, every single time he came online he would message me with an update on what his choice of the moment was, be it Form 6, a local private college, or Madam Bratvsky's School for Part-Time Porno Extras Who Are Unfortunately Endowed.

He went silent for a few months, but made a return recently. This time, he was looking for love....in all the wrong places.


Shmuck says:
i think i dont know u much.. can u introduce urself little bit.. working or stll schling now..
Shmuck says:
do u have gf right now..oh.. i'm so sad actually.. i still love my ex-gf.. i dont even know how she thought abt me..
Shmuck says:
it puzzled me everytime..
Shmuck says:
wat she said was 'she wants to concentrate on her spm' i noe that wasn't the reason she refused me actually..


I SWEAR THOSE WERE HIS FIRST MESSAGES TO ME. What kind of introduction is that?? Was he trying to lull me into a false sense of security by disguising his homosexual tendencies, before taking me hard and fast when I least expect it? Jesus, the people I find.

Typically, I was annoyed, so I decided to at least turn him into sexual predator/stalker for my own fun and giggles.


Shmuck says:
do u think i need to tell her how my inner thought that i still love her..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
yeah
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
try telling her everyday
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
any minute you have with her, don't waste it
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
keep telling her. phone call, emails, msn, letters, even visit her everyday

Shmuck says:
but now her spm exam is around the corner, i dont think i want to disturb her anyway..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
and i think she's still in love with you
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you know, when girls say "no", they usually mean "yes".
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
so when she tells you to stop, just continue, ignore her

Shmuck says:
really.
Shmuck says:
haihz sometimes i'll thought.. loving a person will always bothering us..
Shmuck says:
anyway.. thx ur advice.. i'll try to manage it as well..
Shmuck says:
thx..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
no problem. any time.


Oh my I do believe I'm headed for hell. I wonder if his girl has got a restraining order against him by now.

A week ago, he messaged me again, telling me he wants to be a model and asked if I knew any prominent modelling agencies.

I said I wasn't sure, but I assured him that anal sex is a standard and normal procedure for budding male models if they wanted to pass the interview.

He said "thx again ur advice".

A sure sign of a blogger dying a slow and painful death from dearth of ideas is when he's cutting and pasting conversations as posts instead of writing.

But this is too fucking good to pass up.

If you've been reading Suet's blog, you'd have known about the little 15-year old shit who stole her pics from her blog and henceforth claimed her to be his girlfriend, with the photos as proof of matrimony. Today, the friend who sold the little shit out told us he was "hurt that his girlfriend Suet played him out" when he read her blog. And apparently he's still adamant that they are still together.

We got the little shit's MSN contact, and I duly added him up. My plan was for me to put up a photo of us together, then message him to see what he says. He messaged me first instead. It went like this:


Little shit says:
ur gf
Little shit says:
very preety i see

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
do you know her?

Little shit says:
yeah

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
really? how do you know her?

Little shit says:
bcoz..i noe lar
Little shit says:
dun ask too much question

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
bball? scouts?
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
oh wait lemme guess
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you're some fucking chickenshit who stole her pic and claimed she's your gf?

Serene Liew Suet Li has been added to the conversation.

Little Shit has left the conversation.


I messaged him again. Persistence pays.


Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
why did you run away?
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
talk to her at least
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you're friends aren't you?

Little shit says:
i did not run
Little shit says:
who said i ran
Little shit says:
n..btw...ur freaking chick...she sent me her pics..
Little shit says:
n....she asked me to b her gf...
Little shit says:
not the other way round

Serene Liew Suet Li has been added to the conversation.

Little shit says:
ask her
Little shit says:
btw..suet..
Little Shit says:
i found this..
Little Shit says:
http://sweatlee.blogdrive.com

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
tht's MY blog

Little Shit says:
i noe

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh i thought you guys were friends!

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
and btw, im 17. not 15 like u are
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
i would never ask a young 15 year old to become my boyfriend

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
so you don't even know him???


It went on like that. I went on being sarcastic. He tried to prove to use that Suet had sent him a billion pictures that were NOT stolen from her blog, and that she must have somehow forgotten asking a 15 year old to be her steady. Then he turned abusive:


Little Shit says:
i dun give a FUCK man
Little Shit says:
u noe wartu 2 love birds...should reli get a life..
Little Shit says:
get a religion

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u should get A life

Little Shit says:
wat a bloody bitch u are
Little Shit says:
n i bliff liars goto hell..

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ok we'll see who reach there first

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
which religion promotes stealing?
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
see that pic you have on now? that was taken in MY car

Little Shit says:
FUCK hole..

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ivan, u didnt answer the most important question

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
are you a shithead? that's the most important question.


Suet was incredibly patient and nice throughout. I would have torn his loins off already.


Serene Liew Suet Li says:
listen young boy, u dont talk to us like tht
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
and it's not very nice of u to curse us to go to hell when u aint sure of the truth

Little Shit says:
im making a FUCKING point

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
oh, like we're not

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
your point is erroneous, and you should wash your mouth with soap


It took awhile, and a lot of cursing, but we surmised that he had been played out by someone pretending to be Suet's brother, and who also pretended to be Suet herself. "Suet" then made Little Shit fall madly in love with her over the course of a month, all by chatting with him through her "brother" Jevan's MSN account. Like, WTF, I know. But of course, this doesn't mean that the fun stops here. Oh, no.


Little Shit says:
i talked to 'suet' throught jevan acc
Little Shit says:
today..i read her blog..
Little Shit says:
how tha Fuck can i spoil her mood when i wasnt even talking to her
Little Shit says:
wat u gotta say now

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
yeah but bottom line is, you used her pics. you told ppl she's your gf (I hadn't quite understood the situation yet)
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
and stop cursing you sonofabitch


You can tell I was having the time of my life.


Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ok so clearly, we were played by jevan
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
i dunno how jevan know me. maybe thru my blog
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
i am the REAL suet.
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
and he played u, ok ivan? not me
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u should get that straight and don't go around telling ppl im a bitch cause i played u
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
which i clearly didnt cause i dunno who are u

Little Shit says:
explain sumthing
Little Shit says:
how did i spoilt ur mood when i wasnt talking to u
Little Shit says:
explain it..
Little Shit says:
now

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
he's so scary lah suet
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
we're being challenged by a 15 year old!

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u can spoil my mood cause some random guy i obviously know nthg about tell ppl im his gf and said i played him

Little Shit says:
how tha Fuck did u noe i told ppl u were my gf

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
that's not the point

Little Shit says:
shutup 1st

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you shut up you shit


Then Suet lost her cool. Which means you all can go buy a lottery ticket and give me half the winnings if you win, and give the other half to Suet.


Serene Liew Suet Li says:
3 ppl told me tht
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
FUCKER U LISTEN TO ME

Little Shit says:
shut tha FUck up///
Little Shit says:
im not a fucker
Little Shit says:
im sure u guys r

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
hahah you will never fuck anyone

Little Shit says:
oh..guess wat..
Little Shit says:
i did...

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
who? your hand? snigger


GASP! The morals of kids these days, as loose as a 73-year old whore's cunt. But of course, he was only trying to sound big and scary, and a big scary fucker at that. My oh my.

Then he sent me a voice clip purportedly sent to him by "Suet", which was pathetic. I couldn't hear a word on the damn thing, save for a soft sexless giggle/murmur/whisper. The poor sonofabitch, he even titled the voice file "SWEET VOICE". He'd been fucked over by some Indian (I'm assuming Jevan's an Indian name) named Jevan and he still didn't get it; he was convinced we were the ones fucking him over.

According to him, God knows what we're doing and that we're headed for hell.

Cue for you to laugh.


Serene Liew Suet Li says:
if u wanna settle tis nicely, start with ur manners

Little Shit says:
wat now
Little Shit says:
im freaking pissed k

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you're not the only one

Little Shit says:
y u pissed pulak

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
cos we're obviously being played here

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
because it's my pic
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
and he's my boyf?

Little Shit says:
im not playing u guys. u guys are playing me

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
he said WE. we as in you me him

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
leave it lah, he hasn't learned proper english yet
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
him being only a wee 'un


Then, we turned juvenile. Actually, just me. He is technically still a juvenile.


Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you've been fucked by jevan lah you dumb shithead

Little Shit says:
dude..im not cursing k

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you called me a pig

Little Shit says:
pig isnt cursing

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
alright, i'll call you a dog. bow wow.

Little Shit says:
call lar. lyk i care

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
ok so dog, you've been screwed by jevan

Little Shit says:
watevar bitch

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
and bitch isn't cursing?

Little Shit says:
nope. its a term for female DOGS

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
faggot

Little Shit says:
nigga

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
hahah so cute lah you

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u guys are talking abt irrelevant stuff

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
i know, but he's too funny lah

Little Shit says:
go away. i just wanna talk to suet

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
alright i'll stay here but i won't say a word

Little Shit says:
no
Little Shit says:
cannot
Little Shit says:
go awaty

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
awwww i pwomiiiiise

Little Shit says:
or ill make sum shits up on the net

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
i'll be a gooood boy
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!11

Little Shit says:
dun u think im 15..i dunno shits

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE UP SOME SHITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
OMG WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY ABOUT ME?????????
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
ARE YOU GOING TO TELL PPL I'M........"STUPID???????"
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
my my you're a scary man
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
alright i'll leave

Little Shit says:
suet make him leave

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
im enjoying the drama. heh


I know, juvenile. Go make silly faces behind my back now will you. I eventually left the both of them to haggle things out. After two years, he finally realized that he had been screwed by someone else. He asked Suet to take down her "defamatory" post on him, a request which she flatly rejected, and she asked him to tell everyone that he'd told about his NEW GIRLFRIEND that he had been had, to which he agreed. All's well that ends well. We also got "Jevan's" MSN contact, so we can play the same mindfuckgames on him next time. I'll ask him "Darling, why did you change your email? Darling, let's have sex," and we'll see what he says.

Then Little Shit found out how old I am:


Little Shit says:
btw ur having ur spm or only her

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
i'm 19 lah dude

Little Shit says:
...
Little Shit says:
*goggle-eyed emoticon*


And then he tried to be my best friend by asking about my education plans and if we could all hold hands while ice-skating and share Slurpees next week.

The power of age.

Wtf.