Do I look sympathetic?

Is my name Big Bro/Big Sis/Aunt Agatha/Idiot?

Do you see the tattoo on my forehead that says "Tell me your shitty problems and your shitty life you shitty shit"?

No? Wanna know why you didn't see that sign? Cos it ain't there you shitty shit.

However, as John Lennon once sang, instant karma's gonna get you. Ergo, it's only fitting that I play Doctor Love once more and help the pathetic in hopes of gaining entry into St. John's College.

Little Shit messaged me again later at night. He'd done away with the pretensions of attempting to be my best friend; instead, we were already best friends. At least that's what he thought. But his was such an amazingly pathetic story, the mind boggles and finally gives way to pity. He claimed that because of the entire episode and the immense popularity of Suet's blog, he was now being viewed as little more than a desperate little shit with perversions of the flesh. He begged me to help mend bridges with the lady friends who now shun his despicable perverted self.


Little Shit says:
ur chiqs bloig,got me to lose my best frend
Little Shit says:
can u plssss...explain to this gurl


As an extra incentive for me to help him out, he offered me a precious nugget of vital information in fucking Jevan over next time: that when he's out impersonating Suet, "she" enjoys nothing more than surfing the net in the nude and sipping an ice cold Pina Colada with her pooch Pookie by her side.

I reluctantly agreed, because you can't help but feel pity for someone in his situation. He's lost his friends, his best friend, and his girlfriend. Technically, he never had a girlfriend in the first place, but let's not dabble in semantics for the moment.

He added his friend Kimberley into the conversation, and I set about explaining that he had been screwed over by someone else, and she apologized for calling him a delusional shithead who'll never have another sexual relationship with anything that moves, or something to that effect.

He showered me with eternal gratitude and called me uncle said he wasn't worthy to be in my esteemed company:

Little Shit says:
finaly
Little Shit says:
thx barry..
Little Shit says:
ur my savier..

Hmm, I thought Jesus was his saviour. But whatever.

Then it got more complicated when he brought ANOTHER girl in, this time one that our little hero has a "thing" for. He moaned and beat his breast and told me she's been treating him differently ever since the whole episode began, and that he "just wants things to be back as they were before". Things took a comical turn of events when he decided that now was the chance for him to make his BIG CONFESSION. " - " is his chickadee.


- has been added to the conversation.

Serene Liew Suet Li has been added to the conversation.

- says:
wht is it now??!

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
errrrrrrr?
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
grabs popcorn

- says:
oh GOD help me

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
i go buy large pepsi

Little Shit says:
as if im not asking for gods help
Little Shit says:
barry, wat should i do now


At this point, Little Shit sent me a private message feeding me lines to say in the main chat window. My line was: Haiya, just forget her only lah.

I only went along with it because one could sense a blockbuster of biblical proportions brewing. Suet and I shared a box of caramel popcorn and a Pepsi.


Little Shit says:
how can
Little Shit says:
ugh.......
Little Shit says:
u noe how hard isitto forget her
Little Shit says:
eventhough we fight dam alot

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u...like....her?


Of course, Suet was privy to the whole thing and was merely acting silly, like I was.

Another private message. I was to ask his Chickadee what would she do if she lost her best friend.


Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
what you gonna do now, Chickadee? in light of such a bold confession? he's your best friend isn't he

- says:
best fren?
- says:
umm...actually, he considers me as his
- says:
but, not the other way round

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
ouch!
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
DRAMA!

Little Shit says:
Chickadee..
Little Shit says:
u forget things fast
Little Shit says:
omigosg

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
darling gia popcorn lai, wa ai chiak (which means: darling, come here and give me an exotic lapdance. oh btw, pass me the popcorn, i wanna eat)

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
chickadee...tsk tsk..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
yalah give him a chance lah

- says:
a chance??? to be wht?

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
at least just to be back to normal or whatever it was

Little Shit says:
not tat chance shit lar

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
a chance to shit?

- says:
err.. wht do u want now???

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
he wnats a chance to shit

- says:
wht's all this crap for?
- says:
wht u want???

Little Shit says:
wth is wrong now
Little Shit says:
y r u doing this
Little Shit says:
to me@

- says:
doing wht?!!!

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
he wants things back to normal

Little Shit says:
suet...njoying wat ur blog did

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
WTF

Little Shit says:
ntgntg
Little Shit says:
not blaming u

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh don't blame her ok

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
so my blog did this huh?

Little Shit says:
not blaming..

- says:
yea la jahat

Little Shit says:
sry che che

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u tell me, little shit, my blog did this huh?

Little Shit says:
nono..

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
u dont like it when im angry
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
right, bear?

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
yalah little shit, wanna understand women must be a little more sensitive
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
but when they;re pms-ing like suet is now, must be VERY sensitive

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ok u say i very pretty first


You can clearly see Suet has picked up the schadenfreude behaviour from yours truly. We were having a ball.

Little Shit then went on about how much he's done for his Chickadee, and how she never appreciates how patient he is. Shit lah it really did feel like we were watching a movie unfold before our screens.


Little Shit says:
y cant gurls b sensitive
Little Shit says:
i've been patient

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ok now listen here Little Shit
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
Little Shit in my proffesional opinion, i think u like Chickadee.

Little Shit says:
...........
Little Shit says:
FUCK it..i do..

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
waaaahhhhhhhh
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
*music*

Little Shit says:
i doi do i do

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh don't curse so much in front of the ladies lah


FINALLY! JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT THE LITTLE SHIT DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO CONFESS, HE DID IT!!!!!!! Doesn't this just send a tingle down to your loins and make you go "Awwww" and want to play with children in your bed and ply them with soda laced with alcohol?

Awwww. That dramatic shmuck. He went away for a moment, and Suet and I played counsellors to his Chickadee. She said she's told him a billion times that she doesn't like him anymore than a platonic friend would, but the delusional sod still doesn't get it.


Serene Liew Suet Li says:
ok..actually hor..
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
Chickadee is a very nice girl
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
but hor.. she likes u as a FRIEND only.

Little Shit says:
go on

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
she's still your friend, but she doesn't want anything more than that lah
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
FOR THE MOMENT

Little Shit says:
firstly...id lyk to say im sry to every1 in here
Little Shit says:
2ndly..
Little Shit says:
i've seriously bang my head already....
Little Shit says:
bleeding now..
Little Shit says:
3rdly..
Little Shit says:
i noe Chickadee,u lyk me as a frend only..
Little Shit says:
this will chg everyhting again
Little Shit says:
not saying
Little Shit says:
chg to good
Little Shit says:
chg to bad.
Little Shit says:
i dunmind anymore..
Little Shit says:
do watevar u wish..
Little Shit says:
i give u my life..
Little Shit says:
control it..
Little Shit says:
dun mind...

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
WAH!


Oh that poor, pathetic shmuck. Shmuck Shmuck. If only he could learn how to type an entire sentence in one message instead of splitting it into multiple messages.

I'll skip everything else and instead paste here the overly dramatic things he said.


Little Shit says:
NEXT CHAPTER----
Little Shit says:
i noe..ull nvr accept me...
Little Shit says:
i've been patient wit u so much
Little Shit says:
n i noe..u've been too..
Little Shit says:
thx you..
Little Shit says:
for tat..
Little Shit says:
Chickadee...
Little Shit says:
just wanna let u noe..
Little Shit says:
tat...
Little Shit says:
im deeply in love wit u...
Little Shit says:
u think...im ...LAME>CACATED>CRAZY>SENSITIVE>IMMATURE
Little Shit says:
i am watevar u said i was..
Little Shit says:
but..
Little Shit says:
i just wanna make u feel..
Little Shit says:
not make u feel...make u noe*/realise..
Little Shit says:
how im feeling
Little Shit says:
surely..
Little Shit says:
now..
Little Shit says:
ur saying in ur head..
Little Shit says:
*he doesnt make any point*
Little Shit says:
yea...well..tat is bcoz....
Little Shit says:
my english sucks
Little Shit says:
those who understand..
Little Shit says:
help me explain..

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Ahem.

Little Shit says:
LAST CHAPTER-------------
Little Shit says:
i like u alot...
Little Shit says:
just seriously forget me
Little Shit says:
every thing
Little Shit says:
every single thing i've said..

- says:
forget u?? eh?

Little Shit says:
just forget it..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh shit Chickadee i think he's going to kill himself

- says:
den y bother explain it when u're asking me to forget it now??

Little Shit says:
FORGET ME
Little Shit says:
go live..happilty..
Little Shit says:
without sum faggot disturbing u
Little Shit says:
he'll just make u miserable...

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh? i thought you liked her? why are you a faggot now?

Little Shit says:
i wanna wish u an early happy birthday wish

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh wish me also lah, my bday was this monday

Little Shit says:
oh..
Little Shit says:
happy belated bday then

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
thanks

Little Shit says:
Chickadee..
Little Shit says:
if u dun wan to talk to me
Little Shit says:
i dun mind liao

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
yeah, he doesnt mind

Little Shit says:
dun need to reply my sms'es

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
yeah, no need.

Little Shit says:
can erase me from ur contact

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
yalor, press only

Little Shit says:
u dun noe..
Little Shit says:
how hard isit..
Little Shit says:
to forget u
Little Shit says:
well.
Little Shit says:
its for u having to live a happy life,then im happy..
Little Shit says:
njoy ur life..

- says:
enough enough

Little Shit says:
*wipe tears*


Oh my fucking god this guy was unbelievable. I was busting a gut laughing at the last line. Oh man he just messaged me again. Ok anyway back to the story.

Suet became so overcome with emotion that she threatened suicide.

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
all started because of MEEEEEEE
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
i should kill myself

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
hahaha guilty lah now!

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
*takes knife
Serene Liew Suet Li says:
nooo, let me gooooooooo!!!!!!11

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
i spank you tmr bee. rowr.

- says:
haha drama queen
- says:
okay, so... how are things now??

Little Shit says:
ntg to say to tat......
Little Shit says:
my eyes are too wattery to read

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
wah you damn drama lah wei


What I really wanted to say was "You disgust me you fucking pussy-excuse for a man."


- says:
im trying to end it cleanly here
- says:
so whts the conc?

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
concentration 1 mol/dm3

Little Shit says:
conc is...
Little Shit says:
i....
Little Shit says:
WANT....
Little Shit says:
YOU....
Little Shit says:
TO.......

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
oh ceh i thought you want her

Little Shit says:
FORGET..
Little Shit says:
ME..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
aiseh Little Shit seriously no need to be so dramatic

Little Shit says:
damnit..
Little Shit says:
how to sleep tonight

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
take sleeping pills
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
but not so many ah
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
we're already worried you're gonna commit suicide

Little Shit says:
i wun commit suicide..
Little Shit says:
i did try to go there
Little Shit says:
u wan me to try

- says:
no no

Little Shit says:
seriously....wan me try commiting suicide
Little Shit says:
ill come to jacky chan right now..
Little Shit says:
jump down from my living room
Little Shit says:
to downstairs..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
why do you want to come to jacky chan? or do you want to come on him?


It was already 230 in the a.m. and we were all tired and sleepy. So I made an attempt to summarize everything for the two so they could thrash something out themselves.


Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
ok lah Little Shit, want me to summarize what i think i know about you that's bugging ppl?

Little Shit says:
yea..i noe..
Little Shit says:
i dun get along wit ppl very well..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
eh i offered to tell you lah, not to listen
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
1. you're overly sensitive
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
ppl say something and you terasa easily

- says:
clever

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
2. you overreact
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you terasa edi, then you act like the whole world's gonna collapse on you
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
for example, your threat to commit suicide
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
don't have to be so dramatic. girls don't like guys with a lot of baggage

- says:
wow, barry u're good at this

Little Shit says:
go kao him then

- says:
whts with u Little Shit?

Little Shit says:
ntg
Little Shit says:
ntg wit me

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
kao me for what, i have an amazing gf edi

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
yeah, MEEEEEEEEe

Little Shit says:
my turn to summarize this things

Serene Liew Suet Li says:
....u summarise how many times edi

- says:
when is it gonna end?

Little Shit says:
just wait..
Little Shit says:
let me explain
Little Shit says:
promise..
Little Shit says:
last n final summarizing chapter
Little Shit says:
summary of this shit-u all dun understand how i feel,bcoz....the way i explain it..is very blur...-end-

Serene Liew Suet Li has left the conversation.

Barry Ooi Eu Hock has left the conversation.

And that was when we got tired and left him to wallow in his own pool of pathetic-ness.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

However, most of the time, I'm a horrible bastard who couldn't give a damn for whingeing buggers, which explains my penchant for reading the letters published in Big Bro columns and not the replies. They make for interesting and sometimes funny reading.

This maudlin fellow messaged me on MSN early this year, saying he stumbled upon my blog and found it interesting. Flattering, but puzzling also because he hails from some kampung and with his constant queries on where I was studying then, and asked me for advice as to what he should do, post-spm.

I swear, every single time he came online he would message me with an update on what his choice of the moment was, be it Form 6, a local private college, or Madam Bratvsky's School for Part-Time Porno Extras Who Are Unfortunately Endowed.

He went silent for a few months, but made a return recently. This time, he was looking for love....in all the wrong places.


Shmuck says:
i think i dont know u much.. can u introduce urself little bit.. working or stll schling now..
Shmuck says:
do u have gf right now..oh.. i'm so sad actually.. i still love my ex-gf.. i dont even know how she thought abt me..
Shmuck says:
it puzzled me everytime..
Shmuck says:
wat she said was 'she wants to concentrate on her spm' i noe that wasn't the reason she refused me actually..


I SWEAR THOSE WERE HIS FIRST MESSAGES TO ME. What kind of introduction is that?? Was he trying to lull me into a false sense of security by disguising his homosexual tendencies, before taking me hard and fast when I least expect it? Jesus, the people I find.

Typically, I was annoyed, so I decided to at least turn him into sexual predator/stalker for my own fun and giggles.


Shmuck says:
do u think i need to tell her how my inner thought that i still love her..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
yeah
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
try telling her everyday
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
any minute you have with her, don't waste it
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
keep telling her. phone call, emails, msn, letters, even visit her everyday

Shmuck says:
but now her spm exam is around the corner, i dont think i want to disturb her anyway..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
and i think she's still in love with you
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
you know, when girls say "no", they usually mean "yes".
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
so when she tells you to stop, just continue, ignore her

Shmuck says:
really.
Shmuck says:
haihz sometimes i'll thought.. loving a person will always bothering us..
Shmuck says:
anyway.. thx ur advice.. i'll try to manage it as well..
Shmuck says:
thx..

Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
no problem. any time.


Oh my I do believe I'm headed for hell. I wonder if his girl has got a restraining order against him by now.

A week ago, he messaged me again, telling me he wants to be a model and asked if I knew any prominent modelling agencies.

I said I wasn't sure, but I assured him that anal sex is a standard and normal procedure for budding male models if they wanted to pass the interview.

He said "thx again ur advice".